Speaking my Truth and Changing Course

DSC_0356

The first paragraph is a journal entry from a few days ago - reminding myself what's really important.

What is wrong with being completely ordinary? Does ordinary really exist? If we decided to, we could make everything extraordinary. Ordinary is a decision. We can be content and happy if we choose it. We can be bored as well. We can be ungrateful, or we can choose to see every moment of our existence on this planet as a gift that fills our lives with wonder and experience. We don't need to travel the world, start a fortune 500 company, be the next Oprah or upload the next viral cat video on Youtube. So many of us are scrambling for our 15 minutes of fame, thinking that it's the same thing as love. It's not. I know what love is. The vast majority of us do and it can't be found staring at a screen. Love is the way my Leo bear hugs my legs so I can't walk, silently beginning me to stop being so busy. Love is a game of chase-master around the sofa. Love is the way Keola grips my hand as we're driving home after a long day apart. My life is full of love. None of it is worth an Oscar, or a Pulitzer, or will make us a million bucks. It's so insignificant and so vital - these ordinary moments.

This month I wanted to launch so many products - physical products, but I bit off more than I could chew. Part of the difficulty was financial, part of it was underestimating how much time it would take. Part of it was fear that no one would buy it. Part of it was the amount of space all this stuff would take up in my house. Part of it was knowing that we could easily be living across the country in a year and where would that leave things? But all of those concerns go away if this is really what I want to do, but I don't know if it is. And if you're going to get in as deep as I was, you'd better be SURE that this is what you want to do. I wanted to really make some strides with building this business so that maybe one day Keola could be home with us, but the truth is, I am sacrificing the time I have now with the ones I love for something I'm JUST NOT SURE ABOUT.

On Friday I decided I would just be a mom. No attempting to write a blog post. No working on products, no fretting about money and how we're gonna make things work. I strapped Leo to my back, slowly picked up the house, washed the breakfast dishes, vacuumed, then read books and played with blocks until it was nap time. I felt relaxed, calm, focused, and best of all, not feeling guilty about anything. Amazing.

I know every day won't be like this. I still need to have my thing, the activities that give me a break from motherhood and stimulate my mind and challenge me to learn and grow. I still love the idea of one day creating a situation for ourselves where Keola doesn't have to leave us for 8 hours every day, but making and shipping a ton of different things from my house probably isn't it at the moment. Notecards are here to stay, but everything else would just drive me crazy. So, I'm in pruning mode, trying to be perceptive and notice the things that are really speaking to me, and eliminating the things that aren't. If I do choose to proceed with other physical products, it will be slowly. There's no rush.

I really want to focus on doing one thing really well, and for now that one thing will be this blog. It's already a huge relief to let myself off the hook on everything else. I'm looking forward to spending time with Leo and Noweo and really getting our house in order - ordinary things that make all the difference.