Happy New Year! I hope you're recovering well from last night's festivities. We had a quiet night with friends and then came home to put Noweo to sleep. New Year's is one of those holidays that has become less important to me now that I'm a parent. There's no point in staying up if you can't sleep in. Am I right?
I wanted my first post of the New Year to be about my one little word for 2013. I wasn't very good at keeping track of last year's word on the blog, but it was my first time and I can only get better. This year's word comes after quite of bit of self-reflection, and I think it's something I desperately need at this point in my life.
So here we go with my one little word: Settle
Not to be confused with settling for less or being ok with mediocrity. Settle meaning finding calm and peace after a tumultuous time. While it does mean not moving for a few years, it doesn't necessarily mean that we're settling down in Hilo and staying here forever. It has to do with recuperating and finding our stride again as an independent family unit.
It has been such a long time since I've felt genuinely settled, both physically and emotionally, since I've felt like I was in control of my life, since I've been able to live deliberately rather than flying off the cuff of whatever was thrown at me at any given time (or whatever grand idea I was possessed with). We're going to be moving into our own apartment very soon (hopefully this weekend), and while being there will satisfy the physical aspect of "settle," I also need to calm myself from within and let the dust settle from the emotional roller coaster we've been riding for the past 2+ years. I haven't had enough quiet in my life to heal and process EVERYTHING.
I often feel nervous, skittish, and scared for no good reason, like our life is held together by a thin layer of honey (one big bill and it'll all fall apart.) You could never tell from the outside, and I can't even detect it all the time, but there's a constant nagging in my gut that grinds questions into my head. " Can you do this?" "Can you make ends meet?" "Can you handle Noweo by yourself?" "Should you REALLY get into business?" "How will you handle THAT?" and on and on and on. These are real feelings that need to be acknowledged and let go so I can feel settled inside.
I need to figure out what it is I really want to be doing. Once upon a time I was at the top of my class in Hawaiian language here at the university. Then we had Noweo and moved away. I'm a year and a half away from a degree in Hawaiian language IF I go to school full time. Before that I was engrossed in Anthropology and loved research. Now I enjoy graphic design because it's something I can do from home, but I know I have SO MUCH more to learn. And then there's mothering. The one thing I've wanted to do my entire life, and now here it is. Is it enough? Can we make it on one income? There are almost no single income families in Hawaii, and for good reason. Clearly, I need to settle these questions and decide what aligns most closely with my values and who I am.
I'm hoping that being in our own space and having our own routines established will help to calm my crazy brain enough to tackle these big questions and carve out some space for creativity.
I definitely see this as an extension of my birthday goals of self-care and simplicity, because what I really want is to grow into myself and to get rid of the excess.
It's going to be an amazing year for our family, a time to reconnect, to settle into each other, to focus on each other. I can't wait.
To read more about the "One Little Word" concept by Ali Edwards, click here.