this is getting old



WARNING: This is a venting post. Read on at your own risk..not that there's any profanity or gossip to stink-talking...but it can be kind of a downer. Just sayin' I can't remember what it's like to just be the THREE of us. To have our own space. To eat what WE want to eat. To not have other peoples' stuff in my room. To own a car. To not feel like a total leech. To not have my creative energy sucked into the drama of everyone around me. To feel like I can just take care of MY daughter. To not feel totally helpless. It is so, so hard to stay positive. I love my parents and Keola's grandma, for taking us in. Love love love them. But I feel about an inch tall. Our marriage is tight as ever, but the stress is getting to us.

We have basically forsaken money to be close to family, to make a life here in Hawaii, for Keola to find work that doesn't eat away at his stomach lining every time he leaves the house.

But I feel like we traded in our problems in Oregon for a whole new set of problems. It is so degrading for a high schooler to be making more money than us at their summer job at the movie theater when we put in so much time and money to educating ourselves. I feel like society lied to us about the value of college. It hasn't done much for us because now college isn't enough. Employers want EXPERIENCE but how can you get experience if you can't get hired? Oh he's had internships. People want PAID experience.

Keola just got a job. It's 15 hours a week, $25/hr. Federal grant money. I'm happy we're getting somewhere, don't get me wrong, but it's frankly, impossible to live on that in Hawaii. It doesn't move us out on our own, but at least we have a little more self respect. We can pay rent...help with bills. Pay off credit cards. Save some money. Progress.

He has an interview for a position in Kona on Friday. Enter the guilt of leaving behind his sweet grandmother should he be hired. I LOVE HER TO DEATH. She's like my own grandmother. I want to help her. I would LOVE for Keola to land a good job here so we can help her with her upside-down mortgage. Yes. She owes more than the house is worth because of all the refinancing they did. Don't refinance if you don't have to. It's evil. She's even more stuck than we are. She's taken care of everyone her whole life, depleted her savings for others. Someone SHOULD take care of her. But we can't take care of her if we can't even take care of ourselves.

I don't want to be rich. Well, it would be nice maybe (that opens up a whole NEW can of worms that I'm not too keen on either)....but that's not my highest aspiration in life. I just want to stop worrying about money. I wish I lived in a society where money didn't exist. Where you built your own house and lived off the land. Where you knew you'd be cared for till the day you died. Where you didn't have to worry about a rat race. Where you didn't have to worry about your 401k disappearing, or your children's' college fund, or ridiculous health care costs. They say money can't buy happiness. I say it can buy peace, and stability - which would make the average person pretty happy I'd say. I know money won't solve all our problems and I'm not expecting it to, but right now...a pile of it would certainly make my life easier.