spoiled.




not the baby.

me.

I don't like to refer to my baby as spoiled.

she's loved. not spoiled.

but me? I've been soooooooo spoiled over the last 2 months.

there have been a total of 27,356 hands wanting to hold my daughter,

and play with her

and rock her to sleep

and feed her.

Rarely have I been left alone with her.

I'm worried that I've grown used to the help.

In a few days, it'll just be the three of us again.

In a town where we have no family.

No friends nearby.

In a couple weeks my husband will start working.

EIGHT HOURS A DAY.

(why does our society tear fathers away from their children and wives for so long every day?)

Then it'll just be me and her....all.day.long

Don't get me wrong. This is what I want.

I want this more than anything and consider myself blessed to be able to stay home with her.

I'm just being honest with myself.

I don't have the same baby I had when we left Hilo.

She has grown and changed so much.

Have I grown with her? I don't know.

Probably not as much as I would've had I been alone with her.

For the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I'm a little bit afraid...

afraid that I don't have what it takes anymore.

afraid of not being able to discipline myself enough to give her the structure she needs.

afraid of forgetting how to talk to people. (not in falsetto with made up babble-words)

afraid of forgetting who I am.

*....then again....*

I can FINALLY resume living (as opposed to vacationing):

cooking my own food

exercising

creating a home for us.

progressing.

I'll just be doing it alone.

Motherhood is lonely sometimes.
Laie 2008_33