It’s 5 am. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back to Noweo whimpering that I’m not there. I lie down next to her and she snuggles up against me. Then she rolls away. And then back to me. Then OVER me to my left side. Then BACK over to my right. Then she gets up and throws her binky at me, realizes that she’s just thrown away what to her would be the equivalent of my wedding ring and sets off across my body (bony hands and knees digging into my flesh) to retrieve it. Binky back in her mouth, she rolls around a bit more before settling down, sandwiching me tightly between her little body and her father’s much bigger one. There’s no going back go sleep now. I sigh and think “I can’t wait to have my bed back!” Then I get up to type this post. I guess the title of this post is misleading because I don’t regret co-sleeping and I don’t think it was a mistake, given our not-so-stable circumstances. Sleeping with us was the only constant place we could guarantee our baby. Noweo was in our bed from birth. I tried putting her next to our bed but that was too far away. I needed her right there next to me. I love breathing her in as I drift off to sleep, love how she squeezes her body as close to me as possible and rests her hand on my shoulder as I shower her face with kisses.
I DO NOT love how she flings her body everywhere, or how I have to curl myself up into a little ball, thus waking up all achy in the morning, or how every little move she makes wakes me up, or how dependent on me she’s become. SHE KNOWS when I’m not there and she is NOT happy when I desert her.
We’ve made half-hearted attempts to kick her out by putting her on a futon (the traditional Japanese kind, not the Wal-mart kind) on the floor but they’re so old and the stuffing is so flat that I might as well put her directly on the carpet. Sometimes I end up on the floor with her. Most times I give in and bring her to bed, guilty that she has to sleep on something so uncomfortable.
Assuming that we’re in a bit of a more stable situation with mini-me #2 (which I am NOT pregnant with by the way…but hope to be in the near future) I’m starting to re-evaluate our co-sleeping setup. I still want to co-sleep. It made nights soooo easy when I was nursing, but I wonder if I should continue for as long as I am with Noweo. I know it’s going to be a battle getting her out of our bed for good. Keola thinks we should kick her out when we can explain to her why she needs to sleep on her own so she’s not left by herself, wondering why Mommy and Daddy don’t want her anymore. Ugh what a horrible thought.
I’m wondering if I should end co-sleeping with #2 before he/she’s too old to have an opinion on it. Noweo is very opinionated. We’re gonna have fun when she’s 16 I can tell. Then again, #2 may not care where he/she sleeps. But just because #2 can’t express an opinion doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t have one. Are you keeping up with me? Or have you given up reading this post?
Let me sum things up for you:
1) I love co-sleeping (and by co-sleeping I mean bed sharing)
2) I’m tired of co-sleeping
3) I feel guilty for being tired of co-sleeping
4) I’m wondering whether #2 should be in our bed for as long as Noweo has been
5) I feel guilty for even thinking of “shortchanging” #2’s time in bed with Mom and Dad.
6) I’m fretting over how to get Noweo out of our bed (because my back hurts and I’ll HAVE to kick her out anyway if I want #2 to sleep with us when he/she makes his/her appearance)
I’m tired. I know that if I try to go back to sleep, Noweo will wake up as soon as my eyelids shut and I will wake up even tired-er than I am now.