Waiting to Hear


Waiting to hear from colleges is like being on a restless sea. Unaware of where I’m headed I’ve decided to enjoy the ride that is my life. With my baby girl on the way and looking only as far as her birth, I’ve been able to enjoy my time with my sweetheart by living in the moment. Observing the world around me, the restless sea has offered up its beauty as I realize life is good. I notice the stars breaking through the clouds and scent of the ocean, which fills my lungs. I’m alive, which is always a good reason to be happy. My relationship with my wife serves as my life vest from the dangerous sea. Waiting for my future hasn’t been so easy but at least I’ve been able to enjoy the moments when life shows its beauty.

AlOhA ‘oE ElDeR mEyErS

Tonight I hugged my little brother good-bye and watched him walk into the airport terminal to leave for his two year mission to Oregon. For the first time, I’m not the one always leaving my family behind and home, and it was a weird feeling to watch him go. I was proud, sad, scared, and ecstatic all at the same time, to know that my kid brother isn’t a boy anymore. When did that happen???!!!

Because we were so many years apart, we couldn’t relate that well to each other until recently, and I am so impressed with the person he’s become. My love for him has grown. I can’t wait to see who he will be when he returns.

dreams

Last night i had a dream
that my daughter was pushing her hand through my belly
like someone pushes their hand through a sheet
and I held it.
Then she pushed her whole body against my belly
so I could clearly see her outline
and she wrapped her whole body around my hand
so that I was holding her through my belly
gotta admit, that kinda weirded me out, even in my dream…
but she clearly loved me
and wanted me to hold her.
So i did.
Today I had really strong, close BH contractions
starting at around 9:30am and still happening though with less frequency and strength
as I write this at 5:00pm
I also had lower back pain and some increased pelvic pressure
all of these are possible signs of preterm labor
and DEFINITELY warrant a call to the midwife.
Call me crazy, but I saw this as a good opportunity to practice what I’d been learning about labor
and trusting my instincts.
I KNEW
absolutely KNEW
that Nōweo  wasn’t coming today, or anytime soon.
let me make it clear that if I had any doubts about this, I would’ve gone to the hospital.
I thought that if I freaked out, that it might make things worse.
So I laid down on my left side,
drank some water,
rubbed my belly,
and had a little chat
with my girl.
I told her that I wanted to hold her so badly
but that now is not the right time.
That outside can be scary and even dangerous even if your prepared for it
and worse if you aren’t
YOU are not fully prepared yet.
And even though I’m here to protect you, I won’t be able to do that as well
if you come early.
You are safe inside of me.
That is where you belong.
Everything has it’s proper place and time
and in a few weeks,
it’ll be our time
to meet face to face.
But for now, we can meet in our dreams.
Well, like I mentioned, my BH didn’t stop
but they slowed down
a lot
and I feel so peaceful
I feel like we were able to have a special moment
that I could take the time to communicate with her.
I feel like she said, “ok Mommy. I trust you.”
I hope she always does.
I think we’re off to a good start.

no one tells you the pain starts before labor

I was telling my husband today that I really feel like my pregnancy has kicked it up a knotch, like it’s tipping the scale between kinda pregnant and
really
REALLY
pregnant.
Still, ok…I’m only at week 32, but this weekend I felt like my pelvis took a beating.
Basically, it hurts to
stand,
walk,
put on pants,
basically do anything that requires my legs.
I’ve been getting sciatic pain over the last few weeks, but this is by far the worst, most enduring body ache that I’ve experienced.
I feel like my pelvic bone is bruised on the inside.
Not fun.
I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere any time soon. Hopefully it’s just Nōweo’s position and sheʻll move somewhere else and give me some relief. I can’t wait to hold my baby in my arms. I think theyʻre much better suited to carrying her than my pelvic bone.
Hereʻs what I think Iʻm meant to learn from this:
That pregnancy is a journey that has twists and turns.
We must learn to be flexible,
patient,
and submissive
to whatever
I mean WHATEVER
comes our way.
Hey…wait a minute…
that sounds like parenthood in general.
doesnʻt it?

labor p.a.i.n.

I mentioned an interesting pain acronym in my youtube vlogs that we learned about in our birth class the other week. Since I didn’t go into details about it there, I’ll go ahead and post it here for you to read up on. I’m not sure exactly who to credit for this information, so I’ll just summarize it.
Purposeful: Labor pains bring about the birth of a baby. Usually pain indicates that there’s a problem. For example, when we break a bone, it hurts because our body is signaling to our brain that something’s wrong. In labor, nothing’s wrong. The pain is there to direct our body to open up and birth the baby. The pain will direct our movements, whether to eat or drink, use the bathroom, etc. Rather than thinking of a contraction as such, it may be useful to think of it as an expansion. This is exactly what the body needs to do to safely birth a baby.
Anticipated: In my own experience with the usual type of pain (the pain that indicates something is wrong) it hurts more because I’m not expecting it and I’m fearful of the unknown. But if you’re pregnant, you know you’re going to experience labor pains eventually, so prepare for it! Figure out what soothes and relaxes you. Check out my previous post for ideas.
Intermittent: When I first really understood this, it totally empowered me: You’re only in pain HALF the time! People say they had an 18 hour labor, and we tend to think they were in constant pain, but contractions COME AND GO! We know this, but it’s still a novel idea. Our doula said she’s seen people FALL ASLEEP between contractions! Even if it’s just 2 minutes. It gives them the boost they need to cope with the next one. So really, an 18 hour labor may be only 9 hours of actual pain with short periods of rest in between. Eventually of course, labor gets more and more intense, especially during transition, at which point it’s really important to let go of the last contraction when it ends, let it go, and allow the next one to come.
Normal: This is what I always tell myself, and if you’ve watched my vlogs you’ve heard me say it: women were made to be able to birth a baby. That is such a comforting thought to me, that my body can actually handle this. Of course, not every pregnancy goes completely smoothly with no complications, and thank heavens for the medical technology that saves the lives of moms and babies who unfortunately meet with complications. Pregnancy and birth is a NORMAL, BEAUTIFUL, NECESSARY part of life. What if Eve said after her first baby “screw this I just can’t handle it! No more kids for me!” We’d all be in a pickle now wouldn’t we? 
Well I don’t know how labor really feels, and I’m eager to experience it. I may need medical intervention. I’m open to it, but I’d really like to see what I’m capable of. I’ve gained such a respect for my body and what it has already done in growing my little girl. I feel like a bystander in awe just watching creation happening to me. I see nature a bit differently now. It’s not around me, separate from me, it IS me. 

the greatest pain killer

Yesterday my hubby and I attending part 2 of our 2 part natural birth intensive class. Taught by a doula, this (in my opinion) has been the best thing we’ve done so far to prepare for Nōweo’s birth.
I learned so much about myself and what my needs are going to be during labor.
For example: I learned that I really REALLY need my husband’s touch.
It is a WONDERFUL pain killer and floods my body with oxytocin.
I can literally FEEL it.
I learned this because we did an exercise where we hold ice for as long as a typical contraction
about a minute, just to gauge our body’s response to pain
it’s definitely a learning experience.
Certain things may helpful in coping with the pain
music
touch/massage
aromatherapy
a visual focus
someone talking to you
breathing
chanting
this is what I learned REALLY helps me:
music
closed eyes
breathing
and my husband
we did the ice activity while trying different comfort measures
when our teacher finally asked our partners to touch us
whether it was through massage, holding, back rubbing
…whatever…
my husband asked me what i wanted him to do. I said
“Do what comes naturally.”
So he just put his hands on my shoulders, buried his head in my neck and
breathed – slowly and deeply.
I leaned my head on his and synchronized my breath with his
He didn’t say anything, but this is he was telling me:
You’re not alone
I’m here
This is our daughter
And I am present to help you help her into this world.
There is no place I’d rather be
I love you.
Consumed by love, I was no longer aware of my hand.
or the pain.
and i cried
well…i teared up…
it was too intimate a moment to talk about at the time,
which i would’ve had to do if the class had seen.
in short, i feel soooo soooo safe
and Nōweo is going to LOVE her dad
because i do.