it goes without saying that the most exciting times in our lives often are the firsts.
first day at school
first time riding a bike
our firsts are all centered around number one: me
but in waiting for my daughter to enter my life, firsts no longer become about me, but
the first time i saw that positive pregnancy test and knew
life would never be the same
because now SHE is in it.
the first time we heard her heart beat
the first time we saw her little 12 week old body
already so human.
the first time i felt her little flutters in my belly.
the first signs of new life.
the first time her father said her name
Pregnancy has brought so many firsts into my life,
but they are her firsts too.
and now I live for her.
to watch her have her firsts.
and i am content to watch her blossom
because as she does, so do i.
Today I actually had my first feelings of terror about survival.
I went to the dentist because of a toothache that’s been coming and going over the last several months.
I was hoping that I would hear that it’s “just a cavity and we can take care of that no problem…”
Instead he uttered those dreaded words:
Lesson: Get insurance. Be active in PREVENTATIVE CARE. It will save your butt in the long run.
Now I need to fix my tooth (in the 3rd trimester), have my baby, figure out where we’re going to grad school, where we’re going to live, fly there (because it’s 99% guaranteed that we’ll be flying to our next place of residence), and set up the nest all over again.
How much money do we have?
not enough…I’ll just leave it at that.
I feel like such a useless bump on a log, like a financial burden. can’t get a job, can’t make money…
so it’s time to turn inward, re-evaluate, and find a solution.
“When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.”
I just have to look around and find it.
Yesterday Keola and I went to Waimea for part 1 of our 2 part natural childbirth class. It’s taught all day for two Saturdays so we’ll go back again next week. I wouldn’t say I learned anything REALLY new, because let’s face it, I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on about pregnancy, labor, birth, and the becoming a new mom. What I DID get from this first day of classes was an affirmation that I am gaining the right PERSPECTIVE, that my body was designed to birth and feed babies, that it knows how to grow a baby and therefore knows how to push a baby out, that the hormones involved with birthing and bonding with a baby are miraculous and cannot be duplicated by science, that my baby is a person who can sense my emotions; therefore if I am fearful, she will be fearful and her first lessons will be lessons of mistrust because fear is the opposite of trust. In labor, we learned that fear creates tension, tension creates pain, and pain creates more fear. The body closes up at a time when it needs to open. Conversely, trust allows you to relax, give up control and allow your body to do its’ work. The body begins to open, and as it does, we learn to trust the process more, continuing the cycle of relaxing and opening. I trust myself. I trust my body. I trust my husband to be there for me as he has always been. I trust my baby that she will move exactly as she needs to, and I trust that she trusts me.
As I near 30 weeks, and begin my 10 week countdown, I feel a surprising sense of peace and closeness to her and Keola. Neither of us can wait to hold her and give her all of our love.
Well, Christmas and New Years are over, we’re back in Hilo and life is in full swing. We had a wonderful and memorable vacation with our family and friends. I’ve been lazy to blog about it so here’s what we did in a nutshell:
Went to Zippy’s and got my fav: Portuguese bean soup
bought a video camera because we’ll actually have something cute to film in the next couple months…
visited our old stomping grounds…
watched my little brother open his mission call *tear*
…and took lots of amateur pictures…